May 2026

Meeting reality as it is

May felt especially important. I feel like I went through an entire arc within this broader journey I’ve been on. Things feel different.

Joshua Tree

May kicked off with a trip to Joshua Tree. We had a hodgepodge of friends from SF, LA, and other parts of my life. It was one of those trips that’s just an opportunity to have fun and be in a space with people you’re typically not, doing the normal things. Cooking French toast, co-working, scrambling around a park. Simple things I don’t get to do with most of these people day-to-day.

Two of my friends, Kat and Charlie, are pregnant. Being around Kat, who is quite literally, birthing life, hit me with a sense of realness. My reality contacting hers, I asked myself, “How would I be right now if I were in their shoes?” And shit, there’s nothing quite like having a kid on the way to make you honest.

While I’ve had contract work here and there, I’ve held off on getting a part-time job. I keep hoping “this is the month” or “this is the interview” that’ll put me back in the green. I tell myself I’m better off building projects than working minimum wage. But the reality is, what I want to happen isn’t happening. If I had a kid on the way, I’d do whatever it takes. Work the job and keep building. Not having an income doesn’t cut it. I either need to 1) have another conversation with my parents about receiving support or 2) by the end of June, get a part-time job.

The deadline felt important. Commitment. As much as I’ve said throughout this past year, “I’ll do whatever it takes,” the energy behind my words didn’t manifest in action. Going on Craigslist and seriously considering a part-time job scooping ice cream does, even if I don’t go that route.

You’re not alone

When I quit my last job in 2023, I told myself “I’’ll go until the wheels fall off.” The wheels aren’t off but they’re not as oiled and tight as they used to be. I’m feeling the fear that financial pressure brings, a feeling I couldn’t have forecasted back then.

I feel more compassion for people struggling. I think of my immigrant parents, who worked whatever jobs they could while studying for up to 12 to 16 hours a day to provide a better life for my brother and me. Or the friends who’d talk about student loans or growing up not having the lights on. I’m not saying I’m anywhere close to understanding the full extent of their experience, but I’ve gotten a tiny peek.

I called Mom on Mother’s Day and shared how I’ve been feeling, that things are challenging, these moments of compassion, and that I’d appreciate some support but don’t expect it either. As someone who’d been primarily self-reliant for years, this felt vulnerable. Towards the end she reminded me that her and Dad have my back. She told me “You’re not alone.”

Hearing that really struck something in me. As much as I can and have said those words to parts of myself, it’s not the same as hearing it from someone else, especially your mom.

Coming out of that conversation, I felt more at peace, more secure with meeting life knowing they have my back.

Self-reliance

During a Hakomi training weekend, we explored dependent and self-reliant character strategies. If you haven’t heard of character strategy (or structure), it’s fascinating and worth checking out.

In college, my dependent strategy showed up romantically. I was needy. I felt anxious over texts un-replied to. Sought closeness when they needed space. Not the most attractive energy. But in the last handful of years, I’ve veered more towards self-reliance, which may be what should’ve happened developmentally when I was younger.

Self-reliance has really served me as an adult. During times I felt disempowered, it felt liberating to feel, to know that I can enact change in my life. That I could make ‘big’ decisions, take leaps of faith, and be okay.

I’ve lived alone. Traveled for eight months alone. I’ve spent more hours alone than most people ever will. I’ve found joy in my own solitude and really befriended myself. But in the process, I can see the limitations of being overly self-reliant. It’s a way to ward off having needs, which is a recipe for disconnection and burnout.

Moving to San Francisco has been a step towards loosening my self-reliance. I have a partner who I feel safe with to express needs, and gladly meets them. I have friends and communities I’m regularly emotionally supported by.

I’m also learning a lot as a practitioner. My natural embodiment and training supports a self-reliant posture. I’m comfortable giving someone space and asking questions to unfold their experience, but less so moving close and saying “Hey, I’m right here with you. I got you.” It’s important as practitioners, romantic partners, parents, hell, humans, to be attuned to what’s needed, and be able to meet that need. We can all be in service of each other’s healing.

Needs and wants

The Hakomi weekend was centered on needs, which opened up a lot for me. I realized that fulfilled and soulful work is a want, not a need. My actual needs from work are the same qualities present in secure attachment, like what I experience with Emma. When those are present, nothing else really matters. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or what it’s for (within limits of course), just who I’m with and how I feel.

This exploration of work has shown me all the ways I’m in conditional relationship with life. I felt life needed to offer me soulful and aligned work for me to accept and love it… that’s not how I want to relate to it. I want to be in right relationship with life. Unconditional relationship with life.

Everything is relationship, how can we move towards a secure one?

Weekday adventure

Emma and I went on a weekday adventure and crossed off a bucket list item: riding a Lime scooter together. In Emma’s words, we rode “butt to crotch” down the Great Highway by Ocean Beach and it was so so delightful. She’s the greatest mirror I have that I’m loved as I am. I don’t need to earn her love. I don’t need a soulful or aligned job. I don’t need to be clean-shaven. I can just be me. There’s no greater gift.

Reunion

I went to Art of Accomplishment Reunion for the second year in a row. Lo and behold, the theme was wants. How do we shut down our wants? What are we afraid would happen if we got them? What’s the need behind the want? There’s so much there.

It’s deeply human to witness each other’s wants. Hopes. Dreams. They come from the most tender, childlike parts of ourselves. From a time when we had no limits on what we could want or receive. These are the parts that need the most witnessing. We live in a society of pragmatists, and the world could use more dreamers.

Soft, open

Coming back from Reunion, I went to a Sleepawake event. Sitting there, I felt a palpable brightness. Aliveness. Power. A feeling I’ve felt during meditation, or around a spiritual teacher. Words don’t do it justice. Sitting there I was like “Holy shit, is everyone feeling this?” I was being meditated.

The conversation was on the importance of living from coherence. Aligning our inner and outer lives. I don’t get to have these conversations often, and when I do, it nourishes something deep, sacred, in me.

Maybe I was already trending this way, but coming back from the event, I could really attune to the truth, beauty, and goodness of a job. How it can support the things I love and am called to, like apprenticing as a practitioner. Before, it felt like I was settling for a ‘normal’ job. Similar words, different place.

The following morning, Emma reflected that I felt softer. More open. It affirms to me the importance of inner work, like meditation. We can change how we experience life and how others experience us. Soft. Open. A baby-like state. Could you imagine if we had more babies around? Being around them changes you. I felt really inspired and in awe, with more excitement to devote myself to practice.

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This past week, I’ve felt increasingly at peace. Hopeful. There are opportunities emerging. Who knows if they’ll bear fruit, but they feel synchronous and aligned. I feel able to hold them without attachment. Allow life to flow freely, to be as it is.